Chapter 7- Aftermath

     The image of her back receding into the bathroom stall flooded my mind, and my eyes filled with tears.  Before I knew it, I was sobbing into the boy’s chest.  The tears spilled over, and before I could stop myself they traveled down my cheeks and onto the boy’s tuxedo.
     I had to get out of there.  I quickly removed myself from the boy’s grasp.  I had to find Cera.  I had to find her and get out of here.  I couldn’t deal with this right now.  I started to back away from the boy and before I knew it I was darting through the crowd of high school students.  I heard the boy call after me, but my mind was set on my goal—find Cera. 
     I used my elbows to part through the crowd, and I noticed that the further into the crowd I got, the quicker my breath got.  Before I knew it I was hyperventilating and pushing myself back out of the crowd.  I needed to breathe. 
     I focused on getting air into my lungs and then back out to the world.  Breathe.  Yes, that was it.  I felt myself begin to calm down, and that’s when I saw her. 
     Cera was on the opposite side of the gym by the doors. 
     I darted off towards her, and when I reached her I pulled her into a hug.
     “Where have you been?” I was so overwhelmed with relief.  Now I could finally get out of this nightmare. 
     “Looking for you of course.”  She sounded as equally glad to see me. 
     “Let’s get out of here.”  I grabbed her wrist and exited out of the doors.  I led her to the Jeep, and there were only a few people outside.
     The police hadn’t arrived yet, so if we made it out now, we wouldn’t have to be questioned.  I yanked the door open and brought the engine to life. 
     I didn’t notice until now that tears were still streaming down my face.
    “Do you know who it was?” I looked over at Cera and saw that her own eyes were glossy and the tears would come any second.
    “It was Catherine.” I told her gravely and looked back at the road.  I heard her gasp, and that was when she really started to sob.  After a couple minutes of hysteria, she brought herself back down enough to talk again.
    “What happened?” She said.  “Why was she up there?  Was she pushed? Oh God, Lily what if somebody pushed her?  She was murdered! Oh, God…” she continued hysterically for a couple of minutes and then went back to crying. 
    We rode in silence for what seemed like forever.  Cera’s sobs had subsided a little, but there was still a steady stream of tears coming from her eyes.  Every once in a while I would look over at her.  Each time I did her eyes got redder and her face was paler.  When I looked at her now, she looked as white as a sheet and her eyes were almost the color of her ruby hair.  She was staring at her hands that were cupped in her lap.  I wanted to comfort her but didn’t know how.
    “Cera…” I started, but before I could say anything else, she started to talk.
    “I just don’t understand…why? Why Catherine?  Why did it have to be somebody we know?  She was our friend!  She was only… she was only seventeen.  Oh my God, Lily it could have been one of us!  We could have been pushed, and killed.  Oh God!  Lily…” She was working herself up again.  The longer she talked the harder she cried and by the end I could barely understand her.
    I reached over and grabbed her hand.  She stopped talking, but continued to cry.  “Cera.  Now listen to me.” She was silent and I could feel her gaze on me so I continued.  “We’re fine.  You hear me?  Catherine was an innocent bystander and what happened was horrible, but we can’t freak out just yet okay?  We don’t even know if she’s dead.  We don’t even know if she was pushed.  But we have to stay calm.”  I didn’t know why we had to stay calm, but that’s what they said in all of the movies and books whenever something tragic happened.  You always stayed calm.
    I was surprised at how sturdy my voice was.  Yes, I had disliked Catherine, but I didn’t want her dead!  I should be freaking out, but I wasn’t.  I knew why instantly.
    I wasn’t freaking out because I’ve had to deal with something like this before.  When my father attacked me, I had freaked out afterward and it hadn’t done any good.  Staying calm seemed better than freaking out.  I had learned that from my first brush with death.
    “Cera, are you at least a little better?” I looked over and saw that the sobbing had stopped but the tears continued.  I hoped my speaking up didn’t upset her more.  I just wanted her to stop crying.  It was tragic, but crying didn’t help anybody.  It certainly didn’t help Catherine.
    “How come you always know the right thing to say?”  She looked up at me and I could see gratitude in her eyes. 
    I held her gaze and said, “I don’t but…”
    Before I could get the rest of my sentence out Cera was shouting.  “Lily!  Lily look out!  Stop!”  She was pointing ahead of us and I stopped looking in her direction and back towards the road.  Ten feet in front of us was a person lying in the middle of the road.  They were covered in blood. 
    It was a girl.  She was wearing a purple prom dress, and the hair… it was the same hair I saw receding into the bathroom, it’s how I identified the falling girl at the dance.
    It was Catherine.
    I swerved to miss the body in the road, but went off road and I tried desperately to get back on it, but it was too late.  The car wasn’t going to go back on the road.  Others joined Cera’s screams, and I realized that they were mine.
     We screamed until everything went black, and I couldn’t hear anything anymore.

    Darkness was everywhere.  I couldn’t see, and I could barely hear.  My eyes didn’t seem to functioning properly, and I didn’t know why.  I could feel panic begin to bubble up in me, but it was no good.  Panic didn’t do me any good, so I tried my best to stayed calm. 
    I tuned into what I could hear.  There was a faint beeping.  It far off and I could barely hear it, but it sounded like something that belonged in a hospital.  I continued to listen to the beeping and realized that it was in sync with my own heartbeat. 
    That beeping was monitoring my heartbeat, but why?  What happened?  Was I in the hospital?  I willed myself to remember what happened.  Why could I be in the hospital?  Why wouldn’t my eyes just open and reaffirm what I suspected?  What was going on?
    Then the beeping quickened, and I realized that I was panicking.  But then there was alight touch.  It was soft, warm skin on mine.  It calmed me to know that somebody was there.  The touch grew stronger and it enveloped me some more.  It was calming, and it made me feel protected.
    I heard a voice.  It was a deep voice, and it was gentle.  It made me feel protected, but I didn’t know why.   I tried as hard as I could to focus all of my attention on what the voice was saying. 
    “…Wake up.  Please.  Please you have to wake up.” The voice was filled with emotion.  The person sounded on the edge of tears.  “I don’t know what I would do if you never knew how I really felt.”  The touch continued, but the voice stopped. 
    Eventually the touch gave way, and I was enveloped into the darkness once again.

    I don’t know when, but conciseness found its way to me, and I felt my eyes flutter open.  I was lying in a very uncomfortable position, and I was under itchy hospital covers.  Hospital, I was in the hospital. 
    I started to panic.  I took in my surroundings.  There were two beds in the room, I was in one and Cera was in the other.  We were the only two people in the room.  But why?  What happened? 
    My mind flashed back to the last night I could remember.  Scenes of a boy were jumbled in my head.  I remember crying into his jacket, and I remember the panic of having to find Cera.
    That’s when it all flooded back to me.
    We were in an accident.  I had swerved to miss Catherine. Oh, God.  Was she dead?  What happened to her?  Was Cera okay?  Millions of questions were filling my head and nobody was here to answer them.
    So instead of panicking, I decided to look at my body.  I started with my arms.  They were still skinny and pale, but were banged up with multiple cuts and new bruises were forming.  My legs were sore, and ached.  I noticed that my left foot was in a boot.  What had I broken?  What had Cera broken?  Was the Jeep totaled?  My brain just kept filling with questions. 
    I looked around me for a call button that would bring in a rushing nurse, but I couldn’t find one.  How could people just leave me?  Did they even know I was here?  Did mom and Tyler know?
    I looked around the room again and noticed a blue mask sitting on the side table to my left.  I picked it up and images of a mystery boy in this mask flooded my eyes.  He was here?  This took his stalking to a whole new level.  And where was that voice I heard earlier?  The voice that calmed me down and willed me to wake up. 
    Well I’m awake, and they aren’t here.  Typical.  I scanned the room again, searching for any clue that somebody other than Cera, the doctors, and me had been here. 
    That’s when I see it.  There was a lump on the couch in the far corner by Cera’s bed.  I didn’t see the person because they had a blanket covering their face.  I had to wake them up.  I had to know what was going on here. 
    I looked for something to throw.  I felt too weak to get up and wake them up on my own, and I didn’t want to scream and bring in a rushing crowd of doctors and nurses.  I found plastic cup that was half full with water.  I drank some of the water so I didn’t soak the person. 
    I threw it and water splashed down the length of the blanket.  The person woke up and made a scared cry.  It wasn’t loud, but I could still hear it from my place across the room.
    They got up, and I could see their face.  I didn’t believe my eyes.  No, this wasn’t possible.  Him of all people?  Did the universe hate me?  Why him? 

Chapter 6- Prom

    When Cera and I got home, a white van with a giant pink flower on the side pulled into the driveway behind us.  I got out of the car as the plump and scruffy man came up to me.
    “Are you Lily Hawthorne?” He asked in a monotone voice.
    “Um, yeah…?” What was going on?  “Why?”
    He retreated to his van and opened the back door.  Oh my gosh, was he going to kidnap us?  Did he have a gun in the back?  Was he going to kill us?  All of these thoughts faded away as he pulled a bright bouquet of flowers from the van.  He came back, handed them to me and drove away.
    “Who are they from?” Cera came up beside me and was admiring the flowers.
    “I don’t know.”  I wasn’t searching for the card quite yet.  Instead I was focused on the pinks, reds, and yellows of the flowers.  There were sunflowers, roses, and in the back there was a bright, white lily.
    “Well, whoever they’re from…they’re trying to tell you something Lily.”  She smelled the giant lily in the middle of the bouquet.  I turned the bouquet around and found the card tucked underneath some leaves. 
I opened it up.

Prom Night, 11pm.  Be there, on the dance floor.  We’ll be waiting.

    “Cera, they’re for both of us.  Look.” I handed her the tiny card with the creepy message.
    She read the card and squealed.  How did she not find that creepy? 
    I would let her have her moment, so I went inside to put the flowers in a vase.  She followed me inside carrying our dresses, shoes and masks. 
    We brought them all upstairs and set them out.  Cera turned to me and said, “This is so exciting.” She was literally jumping up and down with excitement.
    I just rolled my eyes and put in my iPod.

    The week before prom flew by.  All of my friends talked about it nonstop and by the end of the week I wanted to punch the next person who said the word ‘prom.’ 
    On Saturday Cera came over to get ready and five hours later we were finally ready. 
    Cera wore her gorgeous red hair down with loose curls that ended just below her shoulders.  She had a piece pinned back on the right, which was held in place by a gorgeous gold clip.
    I wore my hair up so my petite shoulders were more noticeable.  It was in an elaborate up-do and I had tiny curls sweeping around my face.
    My mother took a couple of pictures of us and we climbed into the Jeep.

    It wasn’t the most elegant way to arrive to prom, but who cares.  I certainly did not, and Cera was too excited to notice our ride.
    I watched silently from the Jeep as limousines rode up and deposited girls and boys at the school.  Every single color of the rainbow filled the gym. 
    All of the harsh fluorescent lights were turned off, and tiny lights sparkled from their place on their strings surrounding the gym.  There were tables of food surrounding the dance floor, but the girls treated those tables as if they were monsters that couldn’t be touched.  A giant bowl of pink punch was dead center of the mounds of food, but there was a chance it was already spiked. 
    I looked around the gym, and saw that the prom committee tried to make it look medieval.  There were fake stone statues in the four corners, and fake greenery surrounded the hardwood floor.  Gold trimmings were everywhere, and combined with the lights, the gym seemed to be thrown back into the past.
Cera and I made our way over to the tables and sat down.  Suddenly Cera jumped up and extended her hand. 
    “What?” I looked up at her from my place at the table.
    “Well we didn’t get dressed up and come here so we could sit.  Come on, we’re going to dance.” I put my hand in hers and she led me to the dance floor.  We danced together for four or five songs until I had to take a break. 
    “Cera,” I shouted over the loud music.  “I’m going to sit down, it’s starting to get really hot.”  I hoped she could hear me over the pounding bass of the song. 
“Okay!  I see Mary and Riley across the gym.  Just join us when you get a second wind!” She turned and went to find the other two girls. 
    I elbowed my way out of the crowd and went back to my table.  It was not littered with plates and cups, and I had to push some of them away just so I could sit.  I pulled off my tiny, silver shoes and rubbed my heel.  I hadn’t realized how much it hurt until I sat down. 
    I could feel a blister coming on, and mentally cursed at myself for not sticking Band-Aids in my bag.  I looked at the dance floor and watched as the girls shimmied awkwardly, while others rubbed their butts on the guys who were smiling behind them. 
    I was glad to have a couple of minutes to myself, but longed for a quieter place.  I put my tiny shoe back on and made my way to the bathroom. 
    When I walked in I was engrossed in a cloud of perfume and make- up.  Girls were fixing their faces, while others were touching up their hair with hair spray.  I coughed and made my way over to the empty mirror on the other side of the room.  I crossed discarded panty- hose, loose purses, and single shoes.  I looked at myself in the mirror.
    My silver eye shadow was beginning to fade, and my eyeliner was smudged a little underneath.  I grabbed a paper towel, wet it and then dabbed underneath my eyes. 
    Then I turned my attention back to my image in the mirror.  I looked at my hair and noticed the tiny curls around my face were starting to fall out.  I tried my best to fix what I could, and started to make my way back to the dance.  I stepped over the strewn accessories, and when I reached the door a girl burst in and almost knocked me to the ground. 
    It was Catherine.
    She was crying, her mascara was running down her cheeks and she angrily wiped them away.  As I was leaving, I heard a bunch of girls from the bathroom screech in protest as Catherine barged through them and into a stall of her own. 
    I didn’t want to stay any longer and get wrapped up into the drama, so I darted through the door and back to the gym.
    I scanned over the crowd looking for Cera and the others.  When I couldn’t find them over the masses of teens, everybody was wearing a mask so that made it especially hard, I made my way back to my little table. 
    I sat down right as a slow song came on.  I watched as every guy pulled his date closer.  After a couple of seconds everybody had a partner.  It made me wonder where Cera was.  Who was she dancing with?  But knowing Cera she had probably found her masked mystery man and was dancing with him.
    My foot bounced to the beat of the song and I closed my eyes.  I tried to seclude myself from the dance in order to collect my thoughts. 
    “It isn’t like a pretty girl to sit alone.” A guy said behind me.  I jumped around in my seat to see who the mystery person was.  But stupid me forgot that it was a masquerade ball, and I couldn’t see whom the person was behind the blue mask. 
    “Oh…” I stammered.  Who was this? “I’m not sitting alone.”  He didn’t believe me, because I obviously was sitting alone.  So I continued.  “I’m serious.  I’m just waiting for my friend to turn up from…somewhere.”  I took this moment to turn around in my chair and search for Cera again.  I was hoping that he would take the hint that I wanted him to go away, but he persisted. 
    “Well maybe you could dance with me until she turns up.”  He came around to face me from the front, and held out his hand.
    I could practically hear Cera now.  Are you stupid?  This is your mystery man.  Go for it you idiot!  She would shriek at me if I didn’t take this opportunity.  So I put my hand in his and let him lead me to the dance floor. 
    The DJ played another slow song since everybody was already paired up.  I looked at the unknown boy and tried to figure out who it was.  Did he know who I was?
    I noticed how he had his hair slicked back.  The brown was so dark it looked almost black.  I couldn’t see the color of his eyes, and his mask covered the whole top half of his face. 
    There was no way I was going to figure out who this was.  I would have to ask him.  We were among all of the other teenagers and he pulled me closer.  I put my arms around his neck and he placed his on my hips.  He kept a safe distance as if he was afraid to get too close.  Maybe he didn’t know who I was and he just wanted to dance so he didn’t look like a loser.
    I was the first to break the awkward silence.  “So…are you going to tell me your name?”  I looked up at the mystery man.  He chuckled and I felt it vibrate through him.
    “Now…” he started.  “Why would I do that?” He looked down at me and his boyish grin made me blush.
“Well I mean, you did ask me to dance.” His grin got wider.  “And it would only be polite to exchange names.  It’s logical really.”  Then he laughed again.  It was a nice laugh.  One filled with genuine humor.
“Why don’t we just live in the moment?” I looked up at him with questioning eyes.  “Okay fine.  How about we ask each other three questions, and then we’ll know each other better without actually revealing our names?”
    Who was this guy?  And why wouldn’t he just tell me his name?  “Fine.” I said simply.  “You start.”
    “Okay, what’s your favorite color?” He peered down at me and humor filled his eyes again.
    “Really?” His smile lessened a bit.  “That’s really your question?” What a lame question.
    “Yes, that’s really my question.  But I have a sneaky suspicion that I already know your answer.”  I had to admit that his boyish grin was quite charming.
    “And how exactly would you know that?” I said challengingly. 
    “I’m a mind reader.” He said it as if it should be obvious.  Who was this guy?  And why did I find his charm so frustrating and annoying at the same time?
    “Oh really?” I looked down at my feet, and then back at him.  “Then what is my favorite color?” I waited patiently while he closed his eyes and pretended to read my mind. 
    “Blue.” He beamed and his smile grew wider as he saw the shock spread across my face.  How did he know?  Who was this guy and how did he know that?  I slowed my thoughts and listened to the rational side of my brain.
    Well, blue was a common favorite color.  And then I remembered the color of my dress.  It was blue, and so it was obvious that it was my favorite color.  I was being irrational and jumping to conclusions.  How could I think that this adorable guy was some sort of creepy stalker just because he guessed my favorite color?
    Wow.  I’m messed up.  I over think things way too much.  My thoughts moved to a normal pace and I resumed our conversation.
    “Okay, so?” I just wanted to smack that giddy grin right off of his face.  “So what?  You guessed my favorite color that doesn’t mean you can read minds.” I shook my head at him, and as I did my mask fell slightly from my face. 
    I reached up to fix it, but the boy’s fingers wrapped around mine and wouldn’t let me.  “What are you doing?” I said slightly annoyed.  I fumbled with one hand to try and readjust it but he still wouldn’t let me. 
    “Take it off.” He said simply.  Who did he think he was?  I couldn’t see and he was restraining me, but why?  This was a masquerade ball.  A dance that was oriented around masks and that was the point.  This was ridiculous.   You didn’t take your mask off at a masquerade ball. 
   “What?  No.  Why would I do that?”  I was still fumbling with my mask, but he had it almost down now.    “Hey, stop it.”  I removed my other hand from around his neck to help pull back the mask.  I had both hands on the mask and was trying to pull it back up, but it was no use. 
    I let the unknown boy pull down my mask.  He stared into my eyes like he had just seen light after ten years of living in the dark.  What was he looking at?  My make up was probably all messed up, and I was probably sweating.  Goodness, why did he was to see this?
    “There.  My mask is off.” I looked up at him.  We weren’t touching now and we had stopped swaying to the music.  “But what about you, huh?  You know who I am, don’t I get to know who you are?”  He was infuriating. 
    But he just laughed and said, “I don’t think so.  Besides, you look better without the mask.”
    He reached back for me like he wanted to go back to dancing.  “Um, I don’t think so.”  He looked confused and stopped coming towards me.  “You can’t just pull off my mask and reveal my identity,” okay maybe I was being melodramatic, but it was necessary, “and you just want to go back to dancing?  I don’t think so.  Not until I know who you are.”  I crossed my arms and stood my ground.
    “Wow.” He said, “you always were so stubborn.  But that’s okay, I understand.”  I was always so stubborn?  Who was he?  Did I know this guy?  Well he obviously knew who I was.  I was too dumbfounded to speak, but when I finally did, I had to use every fiber of my being to not explode on him. 
    Very carefully I said, “You don’t know anything about me.”  I started to walk off, but he followed. 
    “Oh don’t I?” He said sneakily from behind me.  I had to find Cera.  She would rescue me from this guy.    
    “You would be surprised.”  Okay now that was just creepy.  I picked up my pace to a slight trot and went through the masses of bodies.  The only thing on my mind was finding Cera and getting away from the dark haired boy.  But he kept following me.  He finally caught up with me and whisked me away from the crowd.  I struggled in his grip, but it was pointless. 
    I let him removed me from the crowd of teenagers and take back towards the tables.  Only we didn’t stop at the tables, we kept going back to the corner.  He backed me the corner and forced me to look him in the eyes.  It wasn’t a rough forcefulness, but it was gentle and I wasn’t scared. 
    “What do you want?” I whispered.  Why wouldn’t he just leave me alone?  Had he just become a creepy stalker for good now?
    “I just wanted to explain to you that, yes, I did know you before tonight.  I knew you very well.”  Where was he going with this?  He could have let me walk off and wonder who it was, and now he was just making it all worse.  “I sent you those flowers because I wanted to dance with you, and have fun tonight because you don’t think I’m a stand up guy.”  Confusion spread across my face, and he could tell so he continued to explain.  “What I’m trying to say is, I wanted you to get to know the real me before you knew who I was.  That way you would see that I’m not the same jerk I was.” 
    I never got to respond, because at that moment the worst piercing scream erupted from the back of the gym.  I would never forget that sound for the rest of my life. 
I barged around from the mystery boy, and looked up at where all of the people were staring.  It all happened so fast, I didn’t see any faces.
    A girl was up in the top level of the gym.  It was above the bleachers that had been pushed back from the dance.  She was in a light purple dress and her light brown hair flowed down her back. 
She was going over the railing, and before I knew it she was gone.  The gym went silent as we watched the girl go over the side of the railing.
    The mystery boy grabbed me and turned me around before I could see her hit the ground, but I heard it and it made me want to burst out in tears.  I buried my face into his chest as the teachers and chaperones screamed for everybody to stay back. 
   Who was the girl?  Who had fallen?  And who was possibly dead?  My mind reeled back to the light brown hair.  I had seen that hair some time tonight.
    Catherine.  Oh my God, it was Catherine. 

Chapter 5- Prom Prep

    When I got home, I slammed the front door shut and kicked off my shoes by the door.  What the hell was that?  Who was Kevin talking about?  Did somebody tell him to run with me?
    My mind kept reeling as I darted up the stairs. 
    I grabbed a towel out of the hall closet and went into the bathroom.  I started the water for a shower- waiting for it to heat up.  As I waited for the warm water, I peeled off my spandex and workout shirt.  I climbed into the now warm water, and continued to think.
    I let the heat soak into my pores, cleansing me and allowing my mind to think more rationally. 
    It could have been Jason who put Kevin up to the run.  Jason could want to know how I felt about him.  But if Jason wanted to know, then he would have just come up and asked me?
    It could have been Rachel.  Rachel always used Kevin to get tabs on Jason.  That’s probably how she knew how Cera struck up a conversation with them last weekend.
    I continued to think through my list of possible people, but none of the pieces came together.  Nothing clicked. 
    When I started to get frustrated, I turned up the heat and let the water pour over me.  It cascaded down my head and down my back.  My frustration rinsed away with the suds from the shampoo.  All my anger seeped down the drain, and when I stepped out of the shower I felt like a snake once it sheds its skin.
    I wasn’t tense any longer, I wasn’t angry either.  There was a nagging at the back of my thoughts about my conversation with Kevin, but I stuffed that back down and continued into my room.
    I changed in to my favorite flannel pajama bottoms, and a baggy T-shirt.  I climbed underneath my covers and broke open my book.  It was when I started to doze off that I pushed my marker into my book and set it on the bedside table.
    I slid underneath the covers, and for the first time in a year, I dreamed.
   
    It was a crisp summer day.  All of the cold and darkness of winter was melted away and a warm and fresh day was left in its place.  It was the type of place that you hear about in fairy tales.  The field went on for what seemed like forever and flowers bloomed everywhere.  The pinks, purples, and yellows reminded me of a child’s coloring book. 
I looked down at myself and saw that I was wearing a pale blue dress.  It was strapless and it stopped right before my knees.  The bottom had intricate, silver beading and a fine white lace surrounded the skirt.
    “It matches your eyes.”  I spun around to find the owner of the voice.  It was Jason.
    I blush as Jason refers to the color of my dress.  “No it doesn’t.”  I looked down at the grass.  Jason got up and walked over to me.  He grabbed my face in his hands and pulled me up to look him in the eyes.  I inhaled sharply and held my breath.  I looked into his chiseled features and they were so perfect it almost hurt to look at.  His deep eyes wanted me to get lost in them. 
    “Yes.  It does.”  We stared at each other for a couple of seconds before he said, “It’s the color of the sky on a cloudless day—the light blue that lets you know a perfect day is on its way.”  Pink rushed to his face, but he continued to talk.  “The color suits you well, because whenever I’m with you it is a perfect day.” 
    My face was still cupped in his hands and he leaned down.  He placed his lips on mine and my head started to spin.  His touch was light and cautious, but when I let him continue to kiss me, he pressed harder.  His kiss told me that he had been waiting to do this for a while and was reluctant to let go.
    He pulled back, and a tiny part of me was sad when he did.  I opened my eyes, but it wasn’t Jason’s face I saw. 
    It was the main hallway of our high school.  I could barely tell because all of the windows were boarded and the lights were off.  Panic seeped into my pores at the thought of somebody else being in here with me.  How would I get out?  And who the hell boarded up the windows?  We had school Monday…so somebody was going to have to do something about that. 
    I turned to see if somebody was here, but I didn’t say anything.  I wasn’t going to be one of those stupid girls in horror movies who call out “Hello?” all innocently.  That was idiotic; they were basically going, “Hey killer…I’m over here!” 
    So I turned around and took in my surroundings.  The main desk at the front of the school was to my left, and the offices were behind it.  I walked very slowly down the main hall and peered into each of the adjoining halls to my right.  At the end of the third hall, I saw a light.  A faint, yellow light was shining at the very end of the hall. 
    I turned right down that hall and started to follow the light.  Endless rows of lockers passed me and the classrooms were all locked with the lights out. 
    When I got halfway down the hall I saw him.
    Jason was strapped to a simple chair.  His arms were bounded behind him, and his legs were attached to the two front legs of the chair.
    His hair was matted to his forehead with sweat, and little cuts all around his neck were letting blood escape.
    My stomach dropped.  My breath was caught and I couldn’t breath.
    When I finally regained my breath, I ran towards him.  I forced my feet to move as fast as they could against the linoleum.  More lockers whizzed by as I continued to run.
    But Jason wasn’t getting any closer.  He still sat twenty feet away from me and no matter how hard or fast I ran he stayed the same distance.  A scream caught in my throat.  I wanted to call out to him, and ask him if he was okay, but he didn’t even look alive.
    The only thing that told me he was alive, was the rise and fall of his chest.  I tried to call out to him again, but no sound would escape my throat.
    There was a rattling behind me, and I spun to see what it was.
    But when I turned, I was no longer in the hallways of RHS, but in at the mouth of an alley.  Why did I keep ending up in different places?  It felt like a cheesy horror movie—but the panic was raw and gripping.     
    I spun around to get a grasp on my surroundings.  It looked like a street that would be in New York City, and the alley smelled like one too.  I had seen alleys like this on my trip to New York back in seventh grade, but my parents told me not to look and ushered me forward. 
    Now I peered into the alley was, and saw that it too was black.  I wasn’t thinking because as I turned to look into the alley, my back was to the street.  Somebody came up behind me, yanked both arms behind my back and started to push me into the alley.
    I started to thrash and kick, but the attacker was too strong and my efforts were useless.  Tiny sounds of a struggle escaped me, but nothing like the screams that should be vibrating off of these building walls.  I felt frail and weak—those were the two things I would never allow myself to feel again but here I was feeling them. 
    The attacker pushed me all the way into the back of the alley and threw me down on a pile of trash.  He pulled something out of his back pocket.  It was long, slender, and silver. 
    I only saw a flash of the object before the attacker was on top of me, and the object was pressed at my throat.  I could now see that my attacker was a man.  But I couldn’t see his face because of the ski mask he had pulled over his head.
    Pain radiated through my throat, and I felt a trickle of blood run down my collarbone.  The object was a knife.  And he was going to kill me.  The realization drowned all fear out of me, and I regained my voice.
    “If you’re going to kill me, I at least want to know why.” I tried to make it sound as confident as possible, but that was difficult because he had his was leaning on my chest, making it impossible for me to get enough oxygen. 
    I didn’t think he was going to answer me when he said, “Too bad.”  With one swift motion the object went up, came back down and everything was black.
   
    My eyes sprung to open, and for a second I didn’t realize that I was back in my bed.  I sat up and took in the surroundings of my room.  When my breathing slowed, I realized that it was all just a dream.  Well the first part was a dream, then it turned into a nightmare like it always does. 
    Jason’s caress was so gentle and real, that it almost felt real.  I reached up and touched the place where his lips touched mine, but mentally cursed myself.  I wasn’t supposed to even be thinking about Jason, yet I’m dreaming about him?
    No, this was not okay.  So I reflected on the second part of my dream.  The alley almost seemed too real.  But why would anybody want to kill me? 
    I couldn’t think of anything, so I chalked it up to be just some stupid nightmare, and tried to go back to bed.
    When my mind was in that phase between sleep and reality it did something I never would have allowed it to do if I were conscious- I thought about Jason.

    “The prom theme is a Masquerade ball!” Cera was sitting on my bed and chattering on about prom.  I could tell she wanted to go, but I honestly had zero interest.  “I’ve always wanted to go to a Masquerade ball, and now it’s our prom theme.  We could go, and have a totally awesome time and look like fools and nobody would know it was us.” She was getting high off of this prom talk.  “We could totally meet two really hot guys, and they would have to like us for who we are, because they wouldn’t know it was us.”  She stared off as she pictured her scenario.  “We would dance all night, and really get to know each other for the other’s personality.  And if it ends badly, then there’s no harm no foul because we’ll have masks.”  She looked over at me and waited for my response.
    “What if the masks come off first and then things go bad, what would you do then?” I looked at her with my arms crossed, and I was mentally hoping she would get the message that I didn’t want to go, or even talk about prom.
    “That wouldn’t happen.” She said it simply.  “Please Lily.  Please just think about going.  I would be by you the entire time.  What are you so afraid of?”  She was looking at me like a kid looks at their parents when they ask for a new bike.  She was so full of hope, and I could tell that this dance would make her happy.
    “You wouldn’t leave me?”  I mumbled and looked down at my hands.
    “Never!” She bounded off the bed and ran over to hug me.  She was literally jumping up and down with excitement as she pulled me in for her hug.  “Lily, I’m so excited!” She pulled back suddenly, and shock was splayed all over her face.  “Crap! Oh damn it.  Lily, we need dresses, and masks, and shoes and we only have a week!” she was freaking out now.
    I grabbed her arms and she was still freaking out.  “Then we’ll just get everything today.” I said, and her freak out was replaced by screams and shrills of excitement.  She reached for her shoes and pulled them on.
    “Let’s go then.” She practically ran out of my room and into the Jeep.

    “Try this one.” Cera was holding up a neon pink dress with no straps and no back.  It would have been pretty, if you were a hooker.
    The entire ride here, Cera talked about prom.  She wondered what the gym would look like, who would be wearing which dress.  I even had to calm her down when she started to freak out about getting the same dress as somebody.
    When we got to the mall she shot into Dillard’s and found the dress area immediately.  She looked for herself for a while, and when she saw that I was just watching her, she tried to get me involved by finding my dress first.
    “Cera,” the dress was wretched.  “That’s terrible.” 
    She looked frustrated and put the dress back on the rack.  “Okay,” she turned back to me from the racks of dresses.  “Here’s what we’ll do then, I’ll get five dresses for you and you pick five for me.  We’ll each try on every one of the dresses and that well help us decide.” 
    I went along with her plan, and picked five dresses for Cera.  I tried to pick really classy and elegant dresses.  I know she wouldn’t like these because they’re not flashy enough.  But I figured she would look stunning in them, so I took them back to the dressing rooms.
    I finished picking my five out before Cera and stood awkwardly in the back until she finished.  We each went into the dressing rooms with our five dresses and started to try them on. 
    The first one I tried on was a deep green.  Its emerald color shimmered whenever I moved.  The neckline plummeted and stopped just before my belly button.  This was most definitely not my dress.  “Cera, are you serious?” I called to her from my dressing room.
    “Come out! I’ve got one on too.”  I stepped out of the dressing room.  “Oh!” Cera looked delighted. 
    “Cera, I look like a tramp.”  I took that time to look at Cera.  She put the pale yellow one on first.  Her red hair jumped out against the light color.  It was tight until her waist and flowed down in a really elegant way. 
    “You do not!  It’s sexy.” She looked very pleased with her decision.
    “It’s still a no.  And look at you!”  She spun around.  “You look gorgeous.”  I picked out a gorgeous dress. 
    “The color doesn’t match my hair.”  She turned to look in the full mirror behind her.  “I look like a baby chicken on fire.”  I cracked up as we went back into our separate dressing rooms.  Both of the dresses were a definite no then.  The next dress Cera had picked out had feathers on it. 
I automatically moved that one to the ‘no’ hook.  I put the emerald dress on the same hook.  I reached for the next dress and repeated the same routine with Cera.  We each tried on the dresses and found something wrong with all of them.  The cut isn’t right, the color is awful, or it fits awkwardly. 
     I was down to my last dress.  It was a pale blue and it gradually got darker the further you traveled down the skirt.  There was a long slit that went up my left leg.  When I had it on I just stared at myself in the mirror hanging in the dressing room.  The sweetheart neckline was made my shoulders look tiny and petite.  There was beaded accents that sprawled across the bodice.
     “Cera, I have my last one on.” I called to her and continued to stare at myself in the mirror.
    “Me too!” she sounded excited.  Maybe she found her dress.  “Come on out.” 
    When I came out of my dressing room Cera squealed.  “Oh my God! Lily, you look gorgeous.  That is your dress.”  She pulled me beside her to look in the full mirror.
    Under the light I could see the way the dress made my eyes pop.  My hair flew over my tiny shoulders; I looked like Cinderella. 
    It made me feel excited for prom for the first time.  “Cera, that dress is stunning on you!” She was wearing the one I knew she would look gorgeous in.  It was a strapless, white gown and hugged her torso.  When you came to the golden accents around her waist, the dress flowed elegantly to the floor.  The white made her hair come alive, but not in the burning way that the yellow dress made it.  She looked like an angel.  The irony almost made me laugh out loud.
    “You think?”  She stepped in front of the mirror to examine herself in the dress.  “It doesn’t look too much like a wedding dress?” Her hands played all over the fabric, and she was staring at it lovingly in the mirror.  I could already tell she loved it, she just needed reassurance.
    “Of course not.  Cera, it’s stunning!” She squealed with delight and turned around and hugged me.
    “We’re going to prom!” She squealed again and ran into the dressing room.

     We paid for our dresses and headed over to Macy’s to find shoes.  It didn’t take long to find them since we had our dresses with us.  When we got out of the mall I was four hundred dollars poorer.  My lack of money made me feel naked, and my excitement about prom was fading- fast.
     “Well now here’s the hard part.”  Cera said as we walked to the Jeep.  I looked over at her; “We have to find masks.”
     “Well damn.  Where are we going to find those?” And how much is it going to cost me? I added silently.
     “I don’t know.  But I do know that we don’t have time to order them online,” She looked over at me, “and we have to get them today.” Her tiny body was almost shaking with nerves.  If we didn’t get everything we needed today, then Cera would worry about it until we did.
     “How about that Halloween shop?” She looked at me questioningly.  “You know the one.  It stays open all year, so that weird people can carry out their vampire fantasies and stuff.” 
     Cera eventually went along with me, and I drove us over to the Halloween store.
     When we got there, we were instantly engrossed in decorations.  Scream masks, fake spider webs, and plastic rats were everywhere.  I grabbed Cera by the wrist and made our way back to the masks.
The place was creepy, and I didn’t want to be here a second longer than I had to be.
We were in luck, because this place had an endless amount of masks.  Cera choose a gold one with silver sparkles outlining it.  Three white feathers poked from the top, and it curled up on the sides.  I choose a silver one.  It was a very simple one with sparkles outlining the rounded edges.
     We went up to pay, but nobody was there.  I reached my head over the counter to get a better look over the edge, but still nobody was there.  “Hello?” I said, and I heard a crash and somebody cursed from the back room. 
     Gerald came out from the back, his cheeks red with embarrassment.  “Oh, hey Lily.” He wiped his hands on his pants, and came to check us out.  “Oh masks.  You guys going to prom?” Gerald asked.
“Unfortunately.” I said and gave him a smile.  He laughed, and Cera mocked us.  She clearly didn’t like the fact that I was down playing prom.  I leaned over and whispered to Gerald so Cera wouldn’t hear.  “I’m being dragged against my will.”  He laughed some more and punched some numbers into the tiny computer on the other side of the desk. 
     “That will be $22.34 for both.” He said looking up from his computer.  Something didn’t add up.
     “Are you sure?” I said, I grabbed my mask and the tag said $14.99, I did the same to Cera’s and it was the same price.  “They say they’re at leave fifteen bucks a piece.” I didn’t want Gerald getting in trouble at work.
     “Oh I know.  I gave you guys an unofficial coupon.” He smiled and blushed again. 
I was stunned into silence.  After a second I regained my voice.  “Oh wow.  Thanks so much Gerald.” I smiled and handed him the money.
     I waved bye once he had the masks all bagged up.  I was still touched by his gesture as we got into the Jeep.
    “Well he likes you.” Cera said. 
    “I know.” She looked stunned when I turned to face her.
   “You know?” She sounded surprised.
   “Yes I know.  He’s liked me since seventh grade.” I started the Jeep and pulled out of the parking lot.
   “And you’re just now telling me?” She sounded hurt.
    “I mean I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.  It’s not like it was going anywhere.” She raised her eyebrows at me. “He has a crush.  So what?  I don’t have to go around broadcasting the fact that somebody likes me.”  That shut her up for a little while.  About half way home, she started to talk about prom and how we would look so gorgeous in our dresses.  I tuned her out, because I couldn’t stop thinking of Gerald.
    I realized that I never asked him if he was going to prom.  When I thought about it some more, I realized that I didn’t know if a lot of people were going.  I wanted to know about one person more than anybody and that was Jason.
    started to picture what he would look like in a tuxedo.  Would he slick his hair back or would he leave it to curl around the base of his neck?  Would he have a date?  My stomach fell to the floor.  If he had a date, I don’t know what I would do. 
    I tried my best to push all thought of Jason out of my head.  I couldn’t be one of those girls that constantly thought about a guy just because she bumped into him in the hall and then gave him a ride home.  No, that was ridiculous.  And why was I dreaming about him?  I never dream. 
    Frustrated I pointed my attention back to Cera.  She continued to get all hopped up about prom, and I indulged her by pretending to get excited. 

Chapter 4- Misunderstanding

    The next day at school was awful.  I was so tired, I could barely lift my feet to walk from class to class.  Teachers gave me looks when I didn’t take notes, but I didn’t care because the only think I could think about was sleep.
    On the way to lunch I took the long way, hoping for some peace and quiet away from the rambunctious cafeteria.  I was about to round the corner when I heard people arguing.  I didn’t want to interrupt their conversation and awkwardly walk by, so I clung to the wall and waited out the conversation.  I tried not to listen, but it’s hard not too when tempers are flaring so much.
    “We haven’t been happy for a long time,” that was a guy’s voice.
    “We can fix it.” The girl sounded on the edge of tears.
    “What’s the use?  We’ve tried before and it never worked.  What makes you think it will work this time?”     The boy sounded angry now.  And I finally realized what I was witnessing- a breakup.  Two people were breaking up.  They had obviously come out here for some privacy, and I was the rude girl stalking them and listening in.  I couldn’t believe the position I was in. 
    I turned to leave when the girl said, “Is this about that bitch Lily?” I froze in place.  This is Jason and Rachel.  I let out a tiny gasp, and went back to the wall.  If they heard me, people would think I set the whole thing up, and I would be responsible for their break up.  They would accuse me more than they already did, and the looks would never end.  I just needed to get out of here.  I looked hastily for an escape, and even when I found it, I couldn’t get my legs to move. 
    I realized then, that I wanted to know what Jason had to say to Rachel’s question.  So I would stay to hear his answer and then I would leave.  So I waited silently for his answer.
    “No,” he didn’t sound too convincing to me, so he was going to have problems convincing Rachel.  “Rachel, we have been together for too long.  I’m not happy in this relationship.”  His anger was building, “you treat me like you own me.  I am allowed to talk to whoever I want without you going up to them and threatening them,” he knew Rachel threatened me?  How? “You are controlling and I don’t know how I even tolerated you for so long.” His anger was fading, but my stomach twisted at his words.
    I had to get out of here.  I started to leave when the yelling started.
    “Jason!” Rachel shrieked, “Take that back right now!” Her words were dripping with anger, but Jason was standing up for himself. 
    He yelled right back at her.  “No!  I’m not under your control anymore!  Rachel we’re over.”  That’s when it all ended.  Jason stalked off in the direction opposite mine- thankfully.  I made my escape when Rachel started to cry.

    The next couple of days were uneventful.  I didn’t talk or even see Jason for at least three days, and I avoided Rachel in the halls as if my life depended on it.  I paid attention in my classes, and slid into my regular routine once again. 
   
    Thursday morning I was back in my small booth in the cafeteria.  I had both ear buds in was waiting for somebody to come and save me from my loneliness as I read my book. 
    As if my ‘prayers’ were answered, Mary Cartwright came and sat across me.  Mary and I used to be close, but she was one of those friends who came and went in life.  Our relationship was nothing like the one I had with Cera.  Mary and I used to have a lot of fun together, but when I changed she kind of left along with the old me. 
    She and I still hung out in groups, but never one on one like we used to. 
    Now she sat across from me, and I knew that she was going to launch into her lastest speech about last Sunday’s sermon.  I had no interest about what her pastor lectured about this past week, or how her bible group always met on Tuesday afternoons.
    Mary was very active in her church.  She was always going around pushing her thoughts about God or her beliefs on abortion.  It’s great that she’s so active in her church, and believes so strongly in her religion, but when she lectures me about how I need to change my attitude and views on God- I want to punch her in the damn face.
    It was fine at the beginning.  At first I even admired her dedication, but as time wore on- she began to tap dance on the very thin ice that was my nerves. 
    Now she sat across from me, and I started to prepare myself for her latest lecture.
    “So,” Mary started. “Are you going to prom?” I was slightly relieved that the topic wasn’t about religion, but agonized because prom was the last thing I wanted to think about.
    The only person I wanted to go with, was the same person who had just gotten out of a very long relationship.  This was the same person who I hadn’t talked to in days.  No, I didn’t want to talk about prom with Mary.
    “No.” That’s all I said and I attempted to get back to my book.
    “Why not?” She sounded almost hurt, but knowing Mary she didn’t really care that much.  She already had a date, and was probably already going in a large group.  She didn’t need me to go.  So what was the point of this conversation?
    “Because I don’t want to.” I said flatly.  Thankfully, throngs of people were entering the cafeteria, and many of my other, normal friends were among them.  Ana, Cera, Catherine, and Riley came and joined us at my booth. 
    They all sat down and conversation about prom erupted.  Conversation about who was going, who wasn’t, dress colors, groups…I tuned it all about because I didn’t care.
    Prom was one of those stereotypical high school events that didn’t interest me at all.  Many people called it a ‘right of passage’ but in all honesty I didn’t understand the need to get all dressed up and go broke over one night—to me it just didn’t seem worth it.  I cracked open my book, but with all the chatter it was impossible to concentrate.  I sat and stared at no where in particular when Riley nudged me and tried to bring me into the conversation.  “Lily, you’re not going?”  Riley’s intentions were good, so I let a little piece of me slip into the conversation.
    “Nope.  Prom isn’t really my scene.”  I waved absently.  Riley understood, and didn’t press me anymore on the subject.
    The first warning bell went off and everybody got out of the booth.  The prom talk continued as we left the cafeteria.  I didn’t even bother to wait for Catherine even as I heard her calling after me.  I put my ear buds in and kept walking like I didn’t hear her. 
    I knew she would be mad, but I honestly didn’t care if Catherine was mad at me. 
    I got into first period, and Catherine had almost reached me.  So I picked up my pace and looked around the room for somebody to talk to.  If I was talking to somebody else, then Catherine would be mad and stop talking to me all together- hopefully.
    Gerald was the closest person so I walked straight up to him and started to chat.
    “Hey Gerald.” I said brightly.
    “Hi Lily,” I could tell that my instigating a conversation confused him, but he had the decency not to point it out.
    I didn’t have time to continue because Catherine was practically barking at me. “What the hell Lily?” her voice was on the edge of shrieking.  “I know you heard me calling after you.  Why didn’t you wait?” She was shaking her head and her long hair flew in front of her face.  If she were foaming at the mouth, I would have sworn she had rabies. 
    “I was talking to Gerald.” I said it very politely and gestured towards Gerald.  Poor Gerald, he was just standing there awkwardly shoving his hands into his pockets.
    “Why?” Catherine practically spat the word at me. “You’ve never wanted to talk to him before, so what was so important that you had to rush in here.  No offence,” she was speaking in Gerald’s direction.  “But there’s nothing special there.  He’s nobody.” I could have smacked her.
    “Catherine!” I said in a hushed, but stern voice.  She was drawing to much attention, and as gazes slid my way I got that feeling at the base of my neck.  It was like being poked by millions of tiny needles.  It was the feeling of eyes looking at me and picking me apart.  “Gerald did nothing wrong.  It’s not his fault I don’t want to talk to you.” I could see that my comment helped Gerald, but the looks of pain and hurt were still dancing across his face.
    Gerald finally spoke up, “Catherine I think you should go sit down now.  Lily’s made it clear that she doesn’t want to speak with you.”  He said it coldly, and Catherine finally got the message.  She made a sound and with a flip of the hair she took a seat as far away from me as she could get.
    I turned to Gerald, “Thanks.” I said simply.  He only smiled and then went back to his desk. 

    The rest of the day went in a blur.  Catherine didn’t talk to me, and neither did most other people.  I was glad to be left alone, because for the first time in a while- I was left with my thoughts.  I went through the whole day just thinking about everything and nothing at the same time.
    On my way home it started to sprinkle lightly.  I had always preferred to run in the rain, so instead of reading my book- I figured I would go out and run off the excess energy I had from my run in with Catherine.
    I took off my jeans and replaced them with tight fitting spandex that was perfect for running.  In place of my light green polo I choose a neon pink work- out shirt and a hoodie. 
    On my way out I grabbed my Nikes, threw them on and called to my mom.  I went into the basement where she worked, and told her I was going on a run. 
    She just waved me off because she was on a conference call.
    I went back upstairs, grabbed my iPod and went on my way.  I put one bud in and started to scroll through my songs.
    I had just picked the right song, whose beat was fast enough to get my blood pumping when somebody came up beside me.
    Startled, I almost dropped my iPod and I let out a little scream.  I looked up to see who the person was- it was Kevin.  I stopped walking and let confusion fill my expression.
    “Mind if I join you?” He was wearing basketball shorts and a T-shirt.  His curly hair bounced up and down.  It was as if his hair was agonizing in anticipation of my answer.
    “Umm, not to sound rude, but why would you want to?” Kevin and I never talked, let alone went on a run together.
    “Because I always found it easier when you ran with a friend.” He seemed to be enjoying this. “You know what they say, ‘beware of strangers.  Never go out alone.  Always take a friend with you.’” He was reciting what they taught you in elementary school.  It was almost like the school’s motto. 
    “I’ll be sure not to take any candy, or get into large, white vans anytime soon.”  My comment was meant to deflect him and get him to turn the other way.  But he didn’t.
    “Well I know you say that now, but you might need a big, strong man there in case they try to grab you.” I knew he was messing with me now.
    “I’m only staying in the neighborhood.” I started to complain, but I knew it wasn’t any use.  I was going to have to let Kevin come with me, or give up on my run all together.  But I needed this run.  I didn’t know what to do with all this pent up energy, and running was the only other thing I did besides dance.  And both my mom and Tyler were home so dancing was not an option.  I sighed, “Fine… but you’re going to have to keep up.”  I turned on my heel and started to jog up the street.  Kevin followed me, and caught up instantly.
    “So…” Kevin started, “what’s up?”
    “Oh Kevin cut the crap.” I tried to pick up my pace but he stayed right next to me.  “Why are you really here?”
    “I can’t enjoy a nice run with my neighbor?” I gave him a cold look and he finally got the message that I wasn’t joking around.  “Well…” he started, “if you’re going to get involved with my best friend, I have to know who you are.”  Was he referring to Jason?  Jason and I were most definitely not involved.  Kevin had no need to be here because there was nothing going on with Jason.
    “We’ve been neighbors for almost fifteen years, why do you suddenly want to ‘get to know me?’ And me and your ‘best friend’ are not getting involved.” He laughed at me.  He actually was laughing at me.  Did that mean that other people thought we were involved?  Did Rachel think we were involved?  But we weren’t involved.  “We’re not!” I said when he just stared at me with his eyebrows raised.
    “Okay, I believe you.”  He said as he held up his hands in mock surrender.
    After a few minutes I said, “Kevin,” he looked over.  “Did Jason tell you… that we were involved?”
    “No.” I could tell he was telling the truth.  “I just heard about you giving him a ride, and so I figured…” he trailed off.
    “No, no… it’s nothing like that.” How could I explain to him that Jason and I hadn’t even talked since I gave him a ride?  How could I explain that it was both a blessing and a curse that I didn’t have to see him?  “Could we just talk about something else?” I said hopefully.
    “Sure.” He said simply.  “Tell me about Cera Montgomery.” I was so stunned I stopped running.  He looked confused when I disappeared from his side.  He stopped running too and turned back to where I had halted.
    His confusion twisted into humor, and he laughed as he said, “What?”  Kevin’s hair was bobbing up and down and his dark, blue eyes were dancing with humor.  “You wanted to change the subject, so I did.”  My mouth curled at the end into an expression that told him I was onto him.
    Kevin liked Cera.  It was so obvious that I couldn’t believe I didn’t see it before.  He fought with her so he had an excuse to talk to her.  That was it!  It explained so much. 
    I carried my smug expression on my face as I went back to jogging.  Kevin started to run too as I passed him and he had to work a little harder to catch up.
    When he did I said, “What about her?” I looked over and saw him twitch.  I could tell he was uncomfortable, so I tried to help him.  “You like her, don’t you?” I watched him twitch again and punched his arm to get him to answer.
    “No,” his fake anger was quite amusing.  “Of course I don’t.”  He lowered his voice as his protest came to an end and turned his attention back to the road ahead.  We turned right onto the next street when I replied.
    “Kevin, you brought it up.  Now don’t lie to me.”  He started to protest again, and I went into punch him again and he recoiled. 
    “Okay, okay!” He stopped running and threw his hands up in a mock surrender.  “Yes, I kind of… like her.”  He shook his head and his curls drooped in his face.  He looked about eight when he said, “But you can’t tell her.”  He mumbled so much that I could barely understand him.
    “Okay,” I said. “I won’t tell her.  But you have to tell me why you like her.”  I couldn’t let him make this confession without some proof.  For all I know, Kevin could totally be messing with me.  I didn’t think he would make up some story about liking Cera, but I had to be one hundred percent positive.  She was my best friend- I had to protect her.
    We had stopped running and went to sit on the curb across the street.  We were in front of an adorable pink house.  The house looked like one a little, old grandma would live in.  It was a baby pink; it had two flowerbeds on either side of the door, and little garden lights lining the walkway.  As it got darker, the light allowed me to see Kevin’s face as he explained.
    “I like her spunk,” he started.  “She doesn’t take any crap from anybody.”  He looked down at his hands and chuckled.  “I like the way the hair falls in front of her face when she’s angry.  She throws it behind her ears like she hates it for interrupting her rant.”  When he spoke about her, it was as if I didn’t even exist.  He continued, “I didn’t really notice her at first, because she used to infuriate me so much.” He laughed again.  “But once we started fighting more and more, I saw that she was an actual girl.  She was a girl whose quirks could make me laugh.  She was a girl who was so full of energy and life.  She was a girl who made me happy.”  He looked over at me and his cheeks were red with embarrassment.  I looked at him and let out a tiny laugh.  He actually meant it.  I could hear the honesty and emotion in his voice. 
    I looked over at Kevin, and he looked hurt.  He had probably taken took my laugh as an insult.  He got up and said, “Nevermind.” He started to walk off and I shot up to follow him.  “This was stupid, I never should have told you this.” He was mumbling again.  “This was a stupid idea.  So stupid!  How could they put me up to this?”  Crap.  He was so mad at me, I didn’t know if he would stop to listen to me.
    “No, Kevin stop!” my voice went up in pitch.  “That’s not what I meant.”  I grabbed his arm and turned him around to face me.  His look was dripping with anger as he stared at me.  But he was listening so I went on.  “I laughed because I never thought that you would like Cera.  I mean you said it yourself, you guys were always fighting.  It just never crossed my mind.”  I could see his anger start to ebb away.  I was getting through to him.  That’s when I saw my opportunity to ask him about his mumbling.  “What did you mean by ‘How could they put me up to this?’” I waited patiently for his answer.
    “I can’t tell you that.”  Kevin turned on his heel and stalked off.  I followed.  Did he really think he would get away that easily?  I would be damned if I let him get away without answering me.
    I ran and stopped in front of him.  “Yes you can.” He tried to go around me, but I grabbed his arm and locked him in place.  “Tell me.”
    “No!” his scream stunned me and this time I let him slide past me.  I turned and stared at his back as he ran down the street and back to his house.

Chapter 3- Confrontation

    Cera was still looking at me, bracing herself for the rage that was bound to come from me.  But the longer I was wrapped up in my thoughts, the more she relaxed until finally she said, “Well that was interesting.” 
    I snapped my head at her and something about my expression prompted her to explain further.  “I saw Jason staring at you.  Why do you think I kept fighting with Kevin?  God, I could honestly care less if he played lacrosse when he was seven and made the winning shot in the championship.”  She rolled her eyes and flopped on the bed.  Her ruby locks fanned around her as she did and she spread her arms wide like she was about to take off in flight.
    “You did what?” Cera has a lot of nerve to do that.  She knows about my past with Jason.  She knew how much he hurt me and how much I hated Rachel.  She knew all of this and she still did it anyway!  The realization hit me like a ton of bricks and I laid down on the bed next to Cera.  “Why would you do that?”  My voice had softened, and my honest curiosity seeped through alongside my words. 
    “You didn’t see the way he was looking at you.  I did, so I saw an opportunity and I took it.” She said it as if it should be obvious.  “I knew Kevin was too headstrong to turn down a fight.  And let’s admit it, we always fight.”
    She was right.  Cera and Kevin always fought.
    The first time Cera came over, she and I were in ninth grade.  We outside minding our own business, taking pictures, and just joking around.  Kevin came out with his minion of little troops.  These troops were the younger boys who lived in the neighborhood and were friend with Kevin’s little brother.  We were sitting on the sidewalk and Kevin said some snide comment to me. 
    I usually just ignored his comments, and let him move on, but Cera wasn’t like that.  She always stood up for her friends and never let anybody touch, let alone hurt, them.  She stood up and told him off.  They got in a huge argument that lasted forever.  I finally had to pull her back inside as the troops descended and took Kevin’s side. 
    And the rest is history.  Cera and Kevin fight every time they see each other.  I’ve even seen them throw dirty looks at each other in the over crowded halls at school.  It was hilarious, the way they fought.  It was as if they were an old married couple that fought about everything and nothing at the same time.
   
    I slowly brought myself out of my memory and turned my attention back to my conversation with Cera.  “He wasn’t looking at me.”  I said it in a way that was supposed to be final and we could move on.  But Cera persisted, as she always does.
    She shot up and looked at me incredulously.  “Yes.  He was.”  Her voice rose at the end of her sentence, like she couldn’t believe I didn’t believe her.  “He was staring straight at you, and since I wanted him to keep looking at you, I kept fighting with Kevin.  I did it for you. So you’re welcome.”  She bounded off the bed.  And that was the end of the conversation.

    Cera left the next morning, but I couldn’t really concentrate on anything other than her words.  He was staring straight at you…No he wasn’t.
    But maybe those were the pair of eyes I felt staring at me.  The ones that got me in trouble in the first place. 
    Was Jason really looking at me, and that’s the reason I got so freaked out? No.  I pushed the thought away from me a quickly as I could.  It was Sunday, which was usually my homework day, but for some reason I had all this excess energy that would be put to waste if I just sat down and worked.  I couldn’t even concentrate long enough to be productive. 
So, I plugged my iPod in, and turned on my playlist.  The beat moved me as I moved around my room.  I started to dance and pick up my room at the same time. 
    I would pick up a scrap of clothing here, and do a twirl there.  A shake of the hips as I shot the wad of clothes into the hamper.  I twisted and turned until my room was spotless.  The music kept coming and I still had all this energy.  I turned up the music as David Guetta blasted through the speakers. 
    Nobody was home, so I let myself do something I hadn’t done for a long time.  I danced. 
    I danced all around the upstairs.  The music was so loud that it followed me into every room and I let it consume me like it used to. 
    Before I had to stop.  Before we couldn’t afford it.  Before my dad got sick. 
    I pushed all thoughts of my father back into the vault at the back of my subconscious.  I was dancing again, and there was no need to ruin it by thinking about him.  The song perked me up, just like it used to and when the beat dropped for the first time, all my thoughts faded and I was consumed by the music. 
    I kept dancing, I kept moving.  I didn’t think about school, or my dad, and especially not about Jason.  For this moment, I was Lily Hawthorne.  The real Lily Hawthorne.

    I pulled into my parking spot, and the morning started off like any other one.  My brother, Tyler, darted off into the school before I even had time to lock my car.  I walked into school by myself.  I didn’t mind being by myself at school.  If you got here early enough, before all the people crowded the halls, then this place could almost be peaceful.  Almost. 
    I got to my locker, held my breath and braced myself for Jackie stench.  I slammed my locker shut and proceeded to the cafeteria. 
    The cafeteria was almost deserted in the morning.  There was a sprinkle of kids here and cluster in a booth there.  I grabbed my iPod out of my bag and was sticking a bud into left ear when somebody sat down across from me.  I lifted my eyes just enough to get a glimpse of the person. When I realized who it was, my gaze shot straight up.
    Her mouse- like features were all too familiar.  Rachel.  What the hell was Rachel doing here?  Why was she sitting with me?
    She stared at me.  It was like she expected me to know why she was here.  The silence became overwhelming and I broke first.
    “What do you want?” I tried to make my voice ice cold, but my nervousness shot through it like a bullet.  Was I starting to sweat? No.  Lily, calm down.  She wants you to be nervous, she’s baiting you.  I help eye contact with her until she spoke.
    “I think you know why I’m here.”  She practically spat the words.  But I still had no idea what she was talking about.  She must have seen the confusion in my face because she continued to explain her ominous statement.  “Well since you’re obviously too stupid and naïve to figure out for yourself why I’m here…” I wanted to punch her.  I wanted to punch her so hard, right in that little mouse nose and break it like a twig.  “You can tell that bitch Cera, that the next time either of you come up to my boyfriend, that I’ll shatter the very kneecaps you need to walk.” 
    I knew her threat was empty, but something about the coldness in her voice told me that she hated me with every fiber of her being.  My head swam with pictures of me and Cera bleeding on an empty sidewalk; both of us screamed for help that would never come—blood pouring out of our shattered knees.
    I was pulled out of my disturbing thoughts by the sound of Cera’s voice.
    “Do we have a problem here?”  Her voice was twice as cold as Rachel’s.  Cera was doing what she did best- standing up for me.  Beside her was Riley.  Riley and I had been friends for the longest time, and we weren’t as close as we used to be but I could still trust her with anything.  Cera’s bright red hair flamed next to Riley’s deep brown and they looked pissed. 
    They were my tag- team of bitches.
    “The only problem I have is with you two.”  Rachel motioned to me with a flick of a wrist.  It was as if she was swatting away a fly.  A pesky, little insect that didn’t deserve a second thought.  That was how she thought of me- as an insect.  “You better stay away from Jason.  The little stunt you pulled over the weekend wasn’t funny.  Did you think I wouldn’t find out?” 
    Rachel was rising from the table, and Cera and Riley dropped their bags.
    “Well it’s not their fault that you can’t hold onto your man.” Riley said.  Riley was slender and tiny, but she wouldn’t back down when it came to a fight.  Riley, was like Cera, she had always been there for me and we would be there for each other no matter what.
    Riley and I had been friends for I don’t know how long.  She was perhaps the funniest, strong- willed person I knew.  I loved her like a loved Cera or my family.
    Rachel whipped her head around to look at Riley, the rage burning in her eyes.
    “He’s not going anywhere.”  Rachel’s words made it seem like she owned Jason.  She probably thought of herself as the last beacon of light, and Jason was lost with out her in a world of darkness.  “He would be stupid to do that.” 
    “Well, maybe he’s found somebody better.”  It was Cera who spoke up now. 
    I felt as if I should help.  This was my fight with Rachel, not theirs.  How could I continue to let them fight my battles for me?  But that’s exactly what I did.  My body was paralyzed.  I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak.  The only thing I could do was sit there, in the booth and watch my best friends fight for me.
    “There is nobody better.  And if you think you’re referring to yourself or that little coward who’s just sitting there and letting you fight her battle, then I’m sorry, but you are mistaken.  Somebody like Jason, doesn’t go for trash like you.”  Rachel snarled the last few lines out before the resource officer came over.  It was strange how accurately her comment reflected my thoughts.
    “Is there a problem over here ladies?”  The resource officer asked.  His nametag read LOVE.  What an ironic name.  Why would the officer in a high school filled with hate, and contempt have the name Love? 
    I hadn’t realized, but all of the other kids in the cafeteria were staring in our direction.  Every single pair of eyes landed on us, and the scene that was unfolding right before me.
    Everything seemed to happen in slow motion.  “No problem officer,” that was Cera.  She continued in her sweet, innocent voice.  “It’s just that this bitch’s face hurts.”  Rachel and the officer both wore the same expression of confusion. 
    “No it…” before Rachel could get the last word out, there was a blur and a thump and then a wail.  Cera’s hand flew out of the air, and made direct contact with Rachel’s mouse-like nose.  The exact spot I had wanted to hit her before.
    The officer grabbed Cera, and hauled her and Riley away from the scene of the crime. 
    Other administrators swarmed around my little booth.  The nurse was called for Rachel’s broken nose.  Damn Cera, nice shot.
    I was taken into the front office and my statement was taken, and it was all over before first period.  Cera and Riley got two weeks of detention, and Rachel only got three days since she had taken Cera’s awesome punch to the face.
     I sat in first period in a daze.  My mind replayed what happened in the cafeteria over and over again.  By now the whole school had probably heard about how Rachel was taken from the nurse’s office in a stretcher, with a neck brace and every teacher, administrator and even Principle Smith fawning all over her.  They probably hoped that her lawyer father didn’t press charges against the school.
    All of this over a broken nose?  People were idiots.  Rachel had it coming.  Cera did what every other person in this school had been hoping to do for years.  She had taken down the queen bee.  Even if it was only temporarily, it was fantastic.  Cera would be a hero to all of those people who could never stand up for themselves.
    She was my hero.  I chuckled as I reflected on the moment when Cera’s fist made contact with Rachel’s face.
    Again, I could feel Catherine’s eyes on me.  I looked up and her eyes were bugging out of her head.  She wanted to know everything about this morning.  But I really didn’t feel like talking to her about it.  I would let Cera handle it.  Cera would explain how she was now the queen bee, and how she had distorted Rachel’s face forever.
    I can hear Cera now, “It better leave a scar.  Dammit, I want that bitch to have a reminder of me on her ugly ass face for the rest of her life.”  I would definitely have to call her tonight.
    I tried to pay attention to Mrs. Moskowitz, but I simply couldn’t.  My thoughts were going different directions at a million miles a minute.
   
    When first period ended, I couldn’t outrun Catherine.  She grabbed my arm in the now crowded hall and turned me so I faced her.  She pulled me to the side of the hall and looked at me impatiently.
    “What?” I said flatly.
    “What?! What do you mean what? What happened this morning?” She was buzzing with excitement about the latest gossip.  “I heard that Cera punched that bitch so hard, that now she’s blind in one eye and needs a transplant.  And when she hit the ground, she got a concussion and pissed herself.”  Wow this girl was incredible. Where did she get this stuff?  She must be a writer for a movie one day.
    “It sounds like you got the whole story.”  I tried to escape her, but Catherine wasn’t going to make this easy.
    “Oh no you don’t.” She pulled me back to her.  “Tell me what happened.”  She was practically shrieking now.  And I couldn’t handle another public brawl.
    “No Catherine, I can’t talk now.”  I darted past her and escaped her questions, but not the looks I got from the other people.  Some faces flashed pride towards me, others were mad and some were just upset.  People really were reacting to Rachel’s demise- just like Catherine had said.  I just wanted to get through this day in one piece.

    Unfortunately, the looks didn’t stop for the rest of the day.  I got that feeling of eyes on my back all day.  It made my skin crawl just thinking about it, and I barely paid attention to anything in my classes other than that feeling.
    When the final bell rang I darted from the class and through the waves of people for completely different reasons.
    I had to escape the looks.  I had to call Cera.  I had to avoid Jason at all costs.  I couldn’t be responsible for his girlfriend’s injuries.  He would probably look at me with disgust as if I was some piece of road kill just chilling on the side of the road.
    It’s not like Jason’s opinion of me mattered, but I didn’t want to be lectured about the need to control my friends, and how it’s my fault his precious girlfriend was hurt.
    No.  I didn’t need his patronizing attitude and his demeaning words thrown my way.
    I burst through the side doors and into the parking lot.  I was looking down at the gravel, avoiding all eye contact and stares as I desperately tried to reach my car.  I darted through the rows of cars towards my black Jeep Rangler. 
    It was an amazing car, and I loved it to death.  I got it once my dad was sent away.  And even after I cleaned it out of his stuff, I could still smell him in the upholstery.
   
    I flashed back to the time when my family was happy together.  When my dad would take me and Tyler on random car rides without telling us our destination.  We always ended up getting ice cream, or going for pizza.  Those times with my dad were fun.  I still remember how he would hug me and the entire world full of anger, danger and pain faded away. 
    He always made me feel safe, but that was before the attack and he was sent away. 
    I pushed thoughts of him out of my head almost as quickly as they had come.  If I started thinking about him, then I would cry and that would only bring more stares my way. 
    My only thought now was of my desperation to get out of here.  I got to my car, looked up and stopped dead in my tracks.
    No.  What the hell is he doing here? 
    I was staring straight into the face of Jason Dragson. 
    My eyes went wide, and I realized I wasn’t moving.  I wasn’t going to beat traffic and I wasn’t going to get home in time to avoid anymore stares.
    Before I knew what my body was doing, I was moving towards my car.  Jason was resting on the back left door, and I practically stepped on his feet when I tried to past him.
    It was a mistake.  I could smell his cologne, a smell that’s always been Jason.  I can’t describe it other that it’s a mix between wood, freshly cut grass and joy. 
    I shook my head, and mentally cursed at myself.  Don’t let him get to you.  Stay calm.  Get in your car and drive away.
    I frantically reached for the handle to get in my car when he grabbed me.
    He had my wrist clasped in his grip.  “Let go of me.”  I said it as loud as I dared.  Any louder and I wouldn’t be able to refrain from screaming.
    “Or what?”  He raised his eyebrows in a mocking manner, “You going to break my nose?”  He was referring to this morning.  And this was the exact conversation I wanted to avoid.  Talking about my hatred for Rachel with her boyfriend would only make her hate me more, and she only make high school a worse hell then it already was.
    I looked down at his hand that was still clasped around my tiny wrist.  “It’s not my fault your girlfriend can’t take a punch.”  I looked up at him with an expression that I hoped told him to let me go and go back to his own business.
    “Let go of the door,” he said sternly.  “I just want to talk.”  His voice said he was telling the truth, and his eyes said that he desperately wanted me to let go.
    But at this point, traffic was awful so I would just be sitting there and Jason could practically stand next to my car and say whatever he wanted.  So, reluctantly I let go of the handle.  I let my hand splay out in front of it, which said that at any moment I would lunge for it again, and make my escape.  My release satisfied him and he let go of my wrist.
    Jason relaxed against the side of my car with an amused expression.  What did he find funny?  The truth of the matter was he was standing here, with the girl who had gotten his girlfriend decked in the face.  How was anything about this twisted turn of events funny?
    “What do you want from me Jason?” I made my comment without emotion, hoping to get my point across.  He finally looked down at me.
    “I wanted to make sure you were okay.” He made direct eye contact.  And I could see that he was telling the truth.  The little specks of brown in his blue- green eyes always flared up when he was lying, and they weren’t now.
    “Well I wasn’t the one who was punched.  Maybe you should go and see if your girlfriend is okay.” To my ears, my voice sounded cold, but it probably was just shaky and nervous. 
    “She has lots of people that will make sure she’s just fine,” he brushed off my comment and continued. “But I bet nobody asked you.  You didn’t punch her, and I bet it must have gotten a hard time from everybody today.”  He stood and dropped his arms by his side.  “So here I am.”  He said it very matter- of- fact.
    “I’m fine.”  That’s all I said, and resumed my get away strategy, but he anticipated my plan and stood in between my door and me.  My body was pressed against the car adjacent to mine as I tried to distance myself as much as possible from Jason.
    “Excuse you!” I practically shrieked.  When he didn’t respond I continued, “Move you… you… belligerent, arrogant jerk face!”  It’s all I could come up with… and chances are he probably didn’t even know what ‘belligerent’ meant.  But I was too mad to care.  Who did he think he was?  He can’t keep me from leaving?  Isn’t that kidnapping?  Should I scream?  Should I just leave?  No I couldn’t leave.  This was my car and I couldn’t just leave him to stalk me. 
     I mentally cursed him out.
“A belligerent, arrogant jerk face?”  He smiled down at me, “well I have to say… that’s a new one Lily.”  Nothing about this was funny to me.  I tuned all emotion out of my posture, my eyes, and my words and prayed that he got the message.
“Jason, just let me leave.” I tried to sound innocent and calm, hoping that he would give in.
“I’ll let you leave, but I’m coming with you.”  WHAT? No, no, no, no… I remembered the promise I made to myself about cutting Jason out of my life completely.  I wouldn’t, no I couldn’t give him a ride.
    “I’m sorry, I can’t.” I tried to reach around him and squeeze myself towards my car.
     But as I expected, Jason just moved to block me again.  “Why not?”  His voice now turned innocent too.  “We’re going to the same place.”  It probably was logical to him, but to me it was ridiculous. 
    “You don’t just come up to somebody you don’t even know and ask for rides.” I tried to appeal to his logical side- the side that would hopefully see that I was right.
    “I’ll take my chances.”  He finally moved out of the way, but he didn’t walk away like I was hoping.  He rounded the other side of the car, threw his backpack in the backseat and took his place in the passenger seat.  I stayed exactly where he left me.
    My left arm perched on my hip, while my keys dangled in my right hand that hung by my side.  My face was stunned into an expression of pure shock.  After a couple of seconds, Jason’s head popped out and he said, “Well aren’t you coming?” 
    I slowly put my stuff beside his in the back and crawled into the driver’s side.  How the hell did Jason get in my car?  And how the hell did I let him?
    I started the car without saying anything and reached for the radio.  I turned it up just loud enough so you couldn’t talk over it and hoped that it would keep him from talking.
    When he reached to change the channel, I smacked his hand away.  Everyone, even Tyler, knew not to touch the radio without asking.  But Jason wasn’t like everyone else- regardless he shouldn’t touch it.
    Over the music I could hear him say, “Feeling frisky are we?”  I shot him a look that told him I wasn’t tolerating any of his crap.
    When we were half way home, neither of us had said anything else and Jason reached for the stereo’s volume dial.  I didn’t have time to stop him before he turned it down so it was barely audible. 
    I reached to turn it back up but he blocked me.  “No,” he grabbed my hand.  “Leave it.”  My hand resumed its place back at 2 o’clock on the wheel.  I stared straight ahead and concentrated on the road.  I pretended as if Jason wasn’t even there, and hopefully if I pretended long enough, he would get the message that I wasn’t interested in anything he had to say.
    “I wasn’t lying before,” he started.  “When I said I wanted to talk, I really did.”  This caught my attention; I didn’t look at him or even acknowledge that he had spoken, but he continued anyway.  “I know it’s not your fault about what happened to Rachel.  And honestly I’m surprised she hasn’t been punched before now.”  The way he spoke about her made it seem like he hated her right alongside me.  But that was impossible, they were a couple after all. 
    I laughed slightly and I slowly turned it into a cough.  He took my acknowledgement as a gesture for him to keep talking.  “She doesn’t treat people nicely, and I’ve heard the way people talk about her.  Even her ‘best friends,’” he did air quotes around best friends, “hate her guts.”  He finished his little tirade and I finally turned to him. 
    “Somebody should really smack you.” My face was full of shock and distaste.  I could sense his confusion before his eyebrows even made contact.  “You two are together.  She’s hurt and you don’t even care?  What kind of boyfriend bashes his girlfriend of two years to somebody who despises her?  That’s messed up.”  As much as I hated Rachel, nobody deserved to be badmouthed by her own boyfriend.
    “What you don’t understand,” he sounded pissed.  “Is that we’ve been fighting… a lot.  She doesn’t even talk to me, and she treats me like I’m furniture that she owns.  She doesn’t own me.  Even if it isn’t Facebook official, we’re not together.  She and I both know that it’s been over for a while, which is why I’m going to officially break up with her.”  I slid my gaze over to him and shock was visible all over my expression.
    “Don’t look at me that way.” He was insulted.  I could see it flaring up in his eyes.  “Two years is a long time Lily.  I’ve thought about this for a while, and I’ve given her numerous opportunities to change, but she hasn’t.  So it’s over.”  His cheeks were bursting with spots of red, and his temper was flaring. 
    I turned my attention back to the road, not knowing how to respond.  Why was he telling me this?  Why me?  Goodness boys were confusing.  But rather then sit here and wonder I just came out with it.
    “Why are you telling me this?”  I kept my eyes forward.  I couldn’t dare look at him now.  If I did I would completely lose myself in his eyes and would never be able to pull myself back out.
    “Because I trust you.” I could feel his gaze on my profile.  “And a little birdy informed me that the whole reason you and I stopped being friends in fifth grade was because of Rachel, and the more I thought about it… the more I realized that the little birdy was right.”  I could sense the regret that tinged his voice.  He was being sincere.  “I thought about it for so long.  Why we stopped talking and why we never talked anymore.  I can’t believe I never pieced it together.  Rachel was the reason.  She was always the reason.”  His voice faded the longer he talked until we both sat at the light in an uncomfortable silence.
    “Cera…” I should have known she would talk to Jason.  But when?
    As if he had read my thoughts, Jason answered me.  “Over the weekend, before you came outside, she practically bit my head off for ditching you.  And when you came up to us, she made up that load of crap about lacrosse tryouts.”  He was amused by Cera’s forwardness.  But I wasn’t.  We came to a red light, and I wanted nothing more than to be out of this car, and in my bed reading my book.
    Turn green.  Please turn green right now.  The light needs to turn green so I can get out of here. 
    Feelings aren’t my thing.  I don’t like expressing them or talking about them; especially not to Jason.  He could never know what I was feeling.
    “But at least you figured it out,” I said.  Jason let out the breath that I realized he had been holding since he stopped talking. 
    “That doesn’t make it right.”  He looked down at his hands that were folded in his lap.
    “No, it doesn’t,” I could feel the frown spread across his face so I continued, “but it wasn’t all your fault.”  I was trying my best not to go ballistic on him.  Inside I was screaming at him.  Of course he had every reason to feel crappy about our broken friendship!  He left me alone, and I was damned if I was going to comfort him by telling him that it was okay and we could go back. 
He didn’t reply, and we rode in silence until we got to the head of our neighborhood.  He sighed and then turned to face me.  “Lily,” he started, “I’m sorry.”  That was all he said, and I swam in my thoughts as we twisted down the main road, and turned right onto our street.  Jason was apologizing.  Finally, after years of being angry, and just wishing for a simple apology, I had finally gotten it. 
     But for some reason, I was still angry.  His words had the tone of sorrow, and I could tell that he was earnestly apologizing to me.  But why was I still mad? 
    It’s because after all these years… Jason expected me to forgive him because he said sorry.  I couldn’t let the past go even if I wanted to.  I still had all this anger towards him, and I didn’t know how to release it.
    But he had said sorry, and that was a start. 
    When I’m under pressure, my words stumble and I can’t get them to form in the right way.  But I did this time- surprisingly.  “I can’t say that I’ll just let the past go,” I saw him start to frown, “But I can try.  It will take time.  But I will try.”  And that was that.  My answer hadn’t been the one Jason was hoping for, but I couldn’t anything better.  And he seemed content with it for now. 
    I pulled into his driveway and waited for him to get out.  But he didn’t.  He sat there and stared straight ahead as if he was lost in thought.  Is that what I look like when I’m swimming inside my own brain? 
His face was expressionless and he just sat there.  How do I get his attention?
    Well, I thought about how Cera and everybody else got me out of my dreams.  Cera yelled, my mom snapped in front of my face, and Tyler punched me.  But I couldn’t yell at Jason, because he looked so innocent; I couldn’t snap at him because that would be a bitch move; and I couldn’t punch him because that’s just rude.  So instead I sat it out.  After a couple of minutes I cut the engine and sat with Jason in silence.  It was an eerie silence, but not a suffocating one. 
    I sat and played with the fray coming off of my jeans until Jason returned to life.  He gasped like a seven year-old getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar.  I jumped in my seat and he just looked at me, so I looked back.  What the hell is wrong with him?
    “Thanks for the ride,” he said.  He got out, got in his stuff and went inside.  What the hell?  I turned my car back on and proceeded to my house.  That was so bizarre; I don’t even know how to feel about that.
I got home and did my routine.  I picked off my navy blue V-neck and put on my really baggy Coldplay T-shirt.  I replaced my jeans with yoga pants, and my hair was in a loose bun atop my head.  I got my book and snuggled in bed.  Pretty soon I fell asleep, and five o’clock was far-gone when I woke up again.  It was seven.  SEVEN?! What the hell? What was wrong with me?  I can’t even stay awake?
I ran down for my books, and did homework for the rest of the night.